From the time we are born we are susceptible to all the influences around us. Until we are about 5 or 6 years old we are downloading experiences and impressions about our world. We come into our life essentially as a blank slate and must learn to use our senses to begin to comprehend where we are and what is going on.
No matter how perfectly loving and caring our parents are we can misperceive the slightest thing through our not comprehending what is going on. We cannot communicate anything clearly – we simply don’t know how. When we are uncomfortable, in pain or hungry we cry and our parents are often hard pressed to ascertain what we are crying about. Parents can become frustrated by this and we can sense this.
Everything around us sends messages to our senses and some can cause us to startle. If the sensation is accompanied with physical pain it can generate fear. The situation may only have to happen once to elicit the same reaction each time it or something like it occurs.
This is the beginning of a patterned behaviour. Every time we hear that sound or see that sight etc we feel fear that says we are afraid of being in pain.
We need to feel Safe and Secure from pain and deprivation. This is a Basic Need.
FEAR ≠ LOVE
- When we are in a state of fear we are not feeling loved.
- Feeling loved is our natural state of Being.
- Having Fear within is the experiencing of the lack of Love within.
Expressing Our Fear
So now we begin to find ways to express our fear – we may cry louder and tense our bodies and our parents are perplexed by this behaviour because to them the sound or the sight might be very pleasant or they may not be aware of what we have heard, felt or seen. They simply know we are afraid, hold us close and yet we are told not to be afraid of this thing that brings up fear in us.
We don’t understand and yet we like the comfort and loving expressions we receive. So when we feel fear we express it as we did before and we receive the comfort until we get older and our parents begin to express their feelings that our expressions of fear are inappropriate or unwanted. Crying is not as acceptable when we are no longer babies. And so our parents withdraw some of those comforting expressions of love we need and crave.
As we get older we begin to learn to pretend that we are not afraid. We tell ourselves there is nothing to be afraid of and yet we still feel this fear so in order not to appear afraid we try to Control it by changing our behaviour. We run away and hide when the fear is triggered and we are again told there is nothing to be afraid of and we may even be comforted with hugs but we still get triggered by experiences that are akin to the original and again are afraid.
After a while of trying to control our fear by running and hiding from it we know now that we mustn’t behave this way either because our parents will know we are afraid and tell us there is nothing to be afraid of and now because we are older there are not so many comforting hugs and maybe there is even ridicule about our fear and the fears begin to multiply.
Creating the Gravity Well
We are no longer receiving what we are hoping to get (the comfort of our parent’s hugs) by running and hiding. Our behaviour has in the past brought to us something we crave (a demonstration of love) and we like it. We have created a gravity well that we need to have filled. While we are young enough and if our parents understand our fear and need for love this gravity well can be healed but usually our parents don’t understand what is going on so we and they continue in our misperceptions and miscommunications.
So we get angry. We try to control our fear by being angry at it and the world for not filling our need for love and comfort when we are in our fear. More and more things become associated with this initial fear and need for loving comfort. Each time we get triggered by the fear we react either by hiding or becoming angry. But now the reaction is mostly anger because hiding didn’t work for us before.
Deepening the Well
Now we are being told not to be angry. Anger is less understood by our parents and now playmates so when we express our anger we may be punished in an attempt by our caregivers to control us – i.e. teach us how to behave in society. We don’t like the punishments so we may go back to hiding but we do it so it is not so easily picked up on by those around us. We may become reclusive or hide in books, tv, computer games etc.
Adding Layers to the Wall of the Subconscious
Or we may become more angry or rebellious and hide our fear and anger in arguing, debating or explaining things and by being smarter or better than others, teasing, ridiculing or if we are physically strong fighting or bullying. In these ways we now begin to assuage our fear (not feeling Safe from pain) and our not being able to Control our life by seeking Acceptance and Approval from others. We’re not getting those comforting hugs when we are afraid and we’re not finding a sense of Control but when others accept us into their circles or they praise us for what we do it fills that need for feeling love.
Layers Upon Layers
By now though we are teenagers and the gravity well has grown over the years and it needs a lot of Comfort (Safety), sense of Control and Acceptance and Approval. Each time we seek it and receive it we find it drains away and we need more. And when we don’t receive what we’re looking for we again feel the Fear and we try to Control it by suppressing the wanting to hide and the anger and to those who did not accept or approve of us we take out the anger in subtle ways so it doesn’t look like anger or vengeance and then we go and seek Acceptance and Approval elsewhere.
And what we are really looking for is Love
but it is disguised by all our Ego Pretensions
of trying to Control ourselves and our life and
by trying to feel love through receiving Acceptance and Approval
to cover up our not feeling in Control of our fear
of not being kept Safe and Secure in